


The Devil's Assassin

by Raven_Mortem



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Graphic Details of Death and Torture, Minor Character Death, Read at Own Risk, This is what happens when I'm up all night., Very OOC Doctor, Very OOC Everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 38
Words: 15,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Mortem/pseuds/Raven_Mortem
Summary: READ AT OWN RISK!!!!THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTSHAS NO REAL DIRECTIONJUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITHTORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDEDPLEASE!!!!READ AT OWN RISK!!!!IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ONIF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!ONCE AGAINREAD AT OWN RISK!!!!
Comments: 53
Kudos: 5





	1. The Introduction Of Raven

Raven sighed as she packed her laptop into her bag once her professor had told her class that they were finished for the day. 

“Why did I decide to do night school?” she muttered as she picked her bag up and hung it over her shoulder.

“Because the moment you’d step into the light, you’d go up in a burst of flames,” her friend Jasmine said with a snicker.

Raven shot her a half-hearted glare, which only caused Jasmine to laugh as they left the classroom.

“Seriously, Raven. You need to get out in the sun more. You’re as pale as a piece of paper and it doesn’t help that you don’t wear anything that isn’t black,” Jasmine said once she had stopped laughing, “You should really come shopping with me and Jake. I can help you put some colour in your life.”

Raven wrinkled her nose in disgust at the thought of what type of clothes Jasmine would suggest. “I’d really love to, Jasmine, but I’d rather not be a third wheel.”

Jasmine snickered again, “I doubt that’s the reason you don’t want to go.”

“You’re right,” Raven agreed as they left the main building and headed to the carpark, “I wouldn’t want to end up as a pile of ashes on the ground the moment I stepped out into the sunlight.”

Jasmine rolled her eyes, “Are you heading home? Jake’s going to drop me off and we can swing by yours on the way.”

Raven shook her head, “No. I’m gonna go and get some food. After the professors rant on how food goes from the farm to the table, I’m feeling rather peckish.”

“Only you would get hungry after listening to how a cow gets turned to a steak,” Jasmine said as she shoved Raven slightly in the direction of the closet takeaway joint, “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then, right?”

Raven smiled, “Sure. I’ll be her at three,” she said as she started walking away.

“Don’t forget your sunscreen!” Jasmine shouted, which only resulted in Raven turning around to face her and give her the finger.

She continued walking as she heard Jasmine laugh, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. “Now, what to eat?” she muttered to herself as she crossed the street, only for everything to go black.

\----

Raven groaned as she regained consciousness. 

She opened her eyes, only to find herself looking up to a dark and stormy sky. Rolling her head to one side, she saw an endless field of brown grass. 

“Okay.....” she said as she looked to the sky again, “This is weird.”

“Weird doesn’t even cover it,” a voice said near her.

Raven tilted her head back and noticed a man standing there looking at her. He had long black hair with piercing blue eyes and was wearing a blood red top, black jeans and a pair of polished boots. A long black coat lay over his shoulders and almost touched the floor. 

She frowned as she rolled over, not wanting to continue looking at the man upside down for a second longer. Something was telling her that she should be frightened and wanting to know where she was, but she just wasn’t feeling it. If anything, she felt quite okay being here. Almost like coming home.

“Do get up off the ground,” the man sighed as he pulled out some paperwork from his long coat that seemed to shimmer as it moved.

As if she had been compelled to do so, Raven quickly got off the ground, dusting off her black shirt and jeans before straightening. “Who are you?” she asked before shaking her head, “No, better yet, where am I?”

The man glanced at her as he searched through the paperwork, “Where do you think you are?” he asked before going back to his search.

Raven glanced around, seeing nothing but brown grass for as far as her eye can see. There was a slight breeze and she shivered slightly. Looking back to the man, she spoke, “Well, I’d say Hell, but I would have thought it’d be warmer, so I’d go with Purgatory. “

The man raised an eyebrow, but continued rifling through the paperwork as he started to mutter, “I have know idea why I have to be the one to find it. They should have given me the one-" he stoped muttering as he pulled out one of the papers, “Gotcha.” 

Raven raised an eyebrow as well as she watched him stuff the rest of the paperwork into his coat pocket.

He finally looked up to her, “What makes you think this is Purgatory?”

Raven looked around again, “Well.....I wouldn’t call this Heaven. I don’t think I’d feel at home there. A bit too bright for my taste.”

The man smiled, “So I was right,” he said more to himself before focusing back on Raven, “You’re right. This is Purgatory.”

“Huh,” Raven said, “So I guess that means I’m dead?” she asked rather calmly. It wasn’t as if she could really panic about it. It had already happened. 

The man’s smile turned to a smirk, “Do you want to be dead?” 

Raven frowned as she thought about his question. “To be honest, I’d rather be dead then becoming a brain eating zombie.”

The man laughed at her response. “Oh, I like you Raven. I’ve been watching you for quite a while now and I’ve come here to offer you a deal.”

“Who exactly are you?” Raven asked, but already having a fair idea on who the man was. There was only one person that she knew about in the religious sense that offered deals.

“I think you already know,” the man said as he stepped forwards, holding out the piece of paper, ”You can either stay here in Purgatory for all eternity, or sign on the dotted line and become a part of my family and create fear and chaos wherever you go.”

Raven frowned as she read what was on the paper. She looked back to the man in surprise, “This is an adoption form. Why the hell would you want to adopt me?”

The man smirked again, “Why the hell, indeed.”

Raven frowned as she looked back down to the contract, “And what do you get out of this deal?” she questioned.

“To watch another of my children create chaos in a realm of my choosing,” the man stated as he held out a pen.

Raven glanced up at the man and smirked, “What the hell,” she said as she grabbed the pen, “To chaos,” she muttered as she signed her name.

“To chaos,” the Devil repeated as his coat seemed to flutter on its own before shimmering and changing into large, black feathered wings.

He was quick to catch his newly adopted daughter as she collapsed unconscious, “And I know just where to let your chaos reign supreme,” he muttered as he brushed some of Raven’s hair from her face as it changed from black to snow white.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“How can you walk through the world and not leave a single footprint?” the Editor asked.

“By treading very carefully,” Raven said from behind the Editor, causing the man to jump in surprise.

“Who are you?” he asked, “And how did you get in?”

Raven glanced at the Doctor and Rose before grinning at the Editor, “In through the window,” she said.

The Doctor snorted at her joke, while Rose only stared at Raven.

The Editor grew angry at her response and tried to get some of the frozen workers to grab her, but as if by magic, their hands seemed to pass through Raven.

Raven smirked, “Shouldn’t have made it so dark in here,” she said, “Lets see what happens if it gets darker.”

Suddenly the lights and electrical equipment went out, leaving the room in pitch black darkness.

“It’s amazing what one can do when someone turns out the lights,” Ravens voice echoed throughout the room.

There was the sound of people shuffling around and the Editor yelling to stop her.

“Don’t move,” the Doctor told Rose as the sounds got closer.

There was also the tell-tale sound of ice cracking and a roar from a beast before the only sound that was left was silence.

The lights suddenly turned back on and the room was empty bar the equipment, the Doctor, Rose and Raven.

Raven grinned as she walked up to the Doctor, “Here, it think you need this,” she said as she handed him the TARDIS key.

The Doctor looked to Rose who had the decency to look ashamed.

“Oh, and don’t bother looking for Adam. He’s already been taken care of,” Raven said before leaving the room.

Rose looked to the Doctor, “Who was that?” she asked.

The Doctor couldn’t help but grin as he replied, “The Devils Assassin.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The Doctor woke to someone poking his side. He blinked and looked through his cracked helmet to see a snow white haired woman looking at him with a frown.

"Sorry to wake you, sir. But you fell on my bag," Raven said, motioning to the black bag that looked suspiciously like a body bag that the Doctor was lying on.

"What?" the Doctor asked before scrambling to his feet, "Sorry."

"It's okay," Raven said as she looked up to where he had fallen from, "Don't get many people drop in," she commented before grabbing the bag and dragging it towards the end of the landing.

The Doctor frowned when he noticed her struggling a bit, "Would you like some help?" he asked, rather confused at what was happening.

Raven blinked, "Er, sure," she said.

The Doctor helped her drag the bag to the edge before helping her throw it off.

"What was in that, anyway?" he asked the platinum blonde.

Raven glanced at him, "Oh, just taking out the trash."

The Doctor frowned, "Odd place to do it," he said as he looked around.

Raven shrugged, "Usually it's more....secluded. Don't get many visitors. Especially with Samantha here," she said, gesturing to the beast.

The Doctor turned around and gapped at the beast before turning back to Raven.

He frowned when he noticed she wasn't there and scratched his head, wondering if he may have hit his head harder than he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"Oh, Victoria. Didn't know you were here. I just lost my dog," Raven said as she stepped out of the shadows.

"Raven?" Victoria exclaimed in delight, pulling the young woman into a hug, "You should have told me you were visiting."

"I wish I could stay, Your Majesty, but I really must get my dog home before it bites someone," Raven said before whistling.

Rose screamed as the werewolf came bounding up to them, but Raven laughed, "Who's been a naughty boy. Are you eating people again?" she asks when she noticed the blood on the werewolf's muzzle.

Raven noticed the Doctor move out of the corner of her eye and straightened, "Would you like to pat him. He's quite nice. Just got a bit excited with the full moon."

The Doctor's eyes lit up, "Can I?" he asked.

"Sure," Raven said as she stepped back.

The Doctor came forwards and ran his head over the werewolf’s head and grinned like a loon, "This is brilliant. I always wanted to meet a werewolf."

Raven shrugged, "Vicky knows where I live. She can tell you and visit him some time," Raven said as she pulled out a lead and collar from her pocket and placed it on the wolf, "But we really should be going."

"Of course, Raven. Good day," Queen Victoria said.

"Good day, Ma'am," Raven said as they disappeared into the shadows.

There was a thump and the Queen and the Doctor turned around and noticed Rose had fainted.

The Doctor grinned before looking towards the Queen and pulled out a pen and paper, "So, where does she live?" he asked, his face lit up like a child on Christmas.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"Rose, I'd like you to meet Raven," the Doctor said, introducing the white haired woman.

"Hi," Raven said as she wiped her face with a cloth the Doctor gave her as she still had traces of blood on her cheek and forehead.

"Is that blood?!" Rose exclaimed, paling at the sight.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Didn't get time to shower," Raven said as she threw the cloth in a bin the TARDIS provided.

"Who was it this time?" the Doctor asked.

Raven scrunched up her nose In disgust, "Some foul kid named Adam. Screamed like a girl when I pulled out his teeth."

The Doctor hummed, "He did seem a bit squeamish and fainted when I showed him the earth," he commented, rather unconcerned about hearing what the woman had done.

Raven rolled her eyes, "Explained a lot," she muttered before heading towards the rest of the TARDIS, "Just gonna go for a swim," she said.

"It's now a left after the wardrobe, not right," the Doctor called as she left the console room.

"Who was that and what did she mean she pulled Adam's teeth out?!" Rose demanded.

The Doctor glanced at his companion, "Raven. She's an assassin for the Devil. Fun woman. Knows how to throw a party," he told her as he set the TARDIS into the vortex.

"I'm gonna go for a swim as well," the Time Lord said as he also left the console room.

Rose paled further before collapsing on the ground in a dead faint.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"Captain Jack Harkness," the man said, holding out his hand.

Raven glanced at his outstretched appendage with a frown. "I’d shake it, sir, but I don't know where it's been." she told him.

Jack laughed as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "Oh, Doc. Where'd you pick this one up?"

The Doctor looked up from where he was working on the console and paled at the sight of Jacks arm around Raven, "Uh, Jack. You might want to let her go," he warned.

"Why. She can't do-" he was suddenly cut off when he was flipped onto his back and Raven appeared on top of him, her wings out.

"That's why," the Doctor smirked before going back to his work.

Raven smirked down at Jack, "So, your the immortal," she said.

"I'll be anything you want me to be," Jack said, admiring the sight of the woman on top of him.

"What's going on?" Martha asked as she walked into the console room, looking at Jack on the ground with Raven on top of him.

"Just having some fun, Martha," Raven said as she shifted on top of Jack.

Jack groaned, "Don't tease me, woman. You won't win," he ground out.

The Doctor groaned, "I'm going to bed. I don't wanna hear this," he said before quickly leaving.

Raven smirked, "Wanna bet, fly boy?" she asked.

Jack's eyes lit up at the challenge, "What's the prize?"

"Catch me and find out," Raven said before she shifted forms and flew out of the console room and into the TARDIS.

Martha grabbed Jack's arm, "Give up while you're ahead. She's a Shadow Lady. You'll never find her," she told him.

Jack didn't seem phased as he replied, "Watch me," before chasing after Raven.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"You can't go! That things going to explode and it's your fault!" Martha shouted as the Judoon left.

Suddenly the machine shut down and Martha turned in surprise to see a snow white haired woman pulling the wires apart.

"You owe me big time for this, Doctor," Raven said as she stood up and frowned at the Time Lord who was laying unconscious on the ground.

"Who are you?" Martha asked.

Raven ignored her and she walked over to the Doctor, "Oi, Doc. They're gone," she said before kicking his leg.

"What are you doing?!" Martha exclaimed, rushing forwards and tried to get the woman to stop, "He's dead!"

Raven rolled her eyes, "Doc, wake up. Don't make me get Jack if you're that desperate for a kiss."

The Doctor suddenly shot up, causing Martha to scream.

He scowled at Raven, "Spoil sport," he muttered as he got up off the floor.

"But....But he was dead!" Martha exclaimed.

Raven snorted, "More like desperate," she said, earning a shove from the Doctor.

"No one asked you to be here, Raven," the Doctor said, though he was grinning.

Raven shrugged, "I couldn't let you fool another innocent human that you love them. Didn't you learn after Rose. They're clingy."

The Doctor frowned as he scratched the back of his neck, "Point taken," he agreed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"I have one thing to say to you. You know what it is," the Doctor said.

"Oh no, you don't!" the Master said before pushing the wheelchair the Doctor was sitting in away.

He frowned, however when the wheelchair stopped suddenly.

"Now, that's not very nice," Raven said as she stepped out of the shadows and approached the Doctor. "Hey, Doc. How you holding up?" she asked.

The Doctor rolled his eyes, "Just enjoying a lovey day being pushed in my chair," he snarked back at her.

"Oh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the chair this morning, didn't he," Raven remarked, causing the Doctor to snort in amusement.

"Who are you?" the Master cut in.

Raven blinked, as if surprised he was there. "Who's he," she asked in a loud whisper to the Doctor, leaning down towards him with a hand partially hiding her mouth.

"He, my dear bird, is called the Master," the Doctor replied.

Raven's eyes lit up dramatically, "Oh, God's," she exclaimed, rushing up to the stunned Master, "I've heard so much about you!" she said excitedly before her face blanked and she whispered, "Is it true you've tried to kill the Doctor multiple times?"

The Master blinked, not really knowing what to say.

"Not now," the Doctor groaned.

"But, it's him," Raven pouted, looking back to the Doctor, "It's the Master."

The Doctor rolled his eyes, "Yes. I can see that," he replied sarcastically.

Raven ignored him and grabbed the Masters hand and dragged him over to some seats, "Was it really true that you tried to kill the Doctor using a cable controlled by Nestene Energy?" she asked excitedly.

The Master looked back to the Doctor, not knowing what to do.

The Doctor sighed, "Just answer her. She won't stop otherwise," he said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"That's the price worth paying," Lazarus said before groaning, feeling the shift beginning.

"Is it?" the Doctor asked.

"I will feed again soon," Lazarus told him.

"I'm not going to let that happen," the Doctor told him firmly.

"You've not been able to stop me so far," Lazarus said.

"He might not be able too, but I can," Raven said as she appeared from behind the Doctor.

"Raven!" the Doctor said excitedly before frowning, "You look like hell," he commented, noticing she was not as sharply dressed as always and seemed to be covered in mud.

Raven smirked, "Sorry. Lost a bet with someone called Shakespeare. Ended up in a mud wrestle. I did win that though."

"You met Shakespeare as well?" Martha asked, coming over to the woman.

Raven nodded, "Yep. Fun guy," she said before looking to the Doctor, "The Queen was looking for you. She didn't seem happy either."

"Hey, I haven't lived it yet!" the Doctor pouted.

"Who are you?" Lazarus asked before groaning in pain.

Raven glanced at the man before looking between Martha and the Doctor, "Look. I came to tell you that I got some tickets to watch Shakespeare new play, Hamnet. Can I just....?" she asked, gesturing to Lazarus.

"Can you what?" Tish asked, wondering what they were talking about.

The Doctor frowned, looking to Lazarus, "Well, he is in pain and it would be a given for him to put him out of his misery."

"That's true," Martha agreed, "Like if your dog was really sick or dying. It would be better to put him down."

"What are you talking about?" Tish asked.

Raven shrugged and pulled out a sword. "Look, I'm sorry, okay. But it'll be easier to do this quick as the play started 400 years ago," she told Lazarus before swinging the sword and removing his head from his shoulders.

"Hey!" the Doctor exclaimed, jumping back to avoid the blood splatter.

"Should have moved," Raven said with a shrug as Martha handed her a piece of cloth to clean her sword.

"So, he really named it Hamnet?" Martha asked as they walked out of the Cathedral.

"What else would he name it?" Raven said, ignoring the thump of Tish fainting behind them.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Raven frowned when a part of her coat/wing started vibrating.

"What the hell?" she said before rummaging inside and pulling out a phone, "Where the hell did you come from?" she questioned, looking at the device weirdly before answering.

"Oh, thank Rassilon," the Doctors voice came through the other end, "Raven, where are you?"

Raven blinked as she looked at the view in front of her. 

Body parts were strewn all over her room and blood dripped from the ceiling. The heads of the Family of Blood sitting on the table before her.

"Er, on Earth," she told the Doctor, running a bloody hand through her hair, leaving a red streak through it.

"Could you possibly bring me a large pepperoni pizza, two dozen eggs and a banana?" the Doctor asked.

Raven quirked an eyebrow, "Er, sure. Where are you?"

"1969."

"So, is this like I need to clean up, type of errand?" Raven asked, glancing down at her clothes, which were covered in blood.

"I made a timey wimey device that makes eggs explode when in range," the Doctor said.

"I'll be right there," Raven said as she disappeared into the ground.

\----

1969

"Doc, got your pizza and banana!" Raven called as she walked into the flat they were staying at, "You better not have lied about the timey wimey device."

"In here!" the Doctor called, "But leave the eggs outside."

Raven, who had left the four dozen eggs in a black hole, entered the room with a grin.

"Oh, God's!" Martha exclaimed as she grabbed the pizza from Raven's hands.

"I guess this is yours, Doc," she said, throwing the banana to the man.

The Doctor caught it before showing her the device. "Wanna have some fun?" he asked.

"I brought four dozen," Raven replied.

"Wicked!" the Doctor exclaimed as they left the flat, leaving Martha with her pizza.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Lazarus scream was muffled as Raven held the pliers against another of his teeth and tugged.

"You know, this would be easier if I hadn't removed you tongue first," Raven said as the pliers slipped again.

Sighing she stood up and dropped the tool on the table.

"Maybe force is needed," she said as she created another black hole and pulled out a rubber mullet.

Lazarus' eyes widened in fear at the sight of the new tool.

"Now, right or left?" Raven said as she tilted her head from side to side, wondering which side to hit.

Suddenly her phone started ringing, causing her to scowl as she wiped her free hand on her pants before picking it up and answering it.

"Martha, I'm a little busy," she said as Lazarus started trying to scream for help, even though he was missing his tongue.

"Lazarus?" Martha asked, "Thought you already sorted him out?"

Raven sighed, "I got distracted by his teeth. You know he flossed three times a day?"

"No, I didn't," Martha replied.

"So, what do you need?" Raven asked as she struck the right side of Lazarus' jaw, causing four teeth to fall out.

"I need to know who had more number ones. Beetles or Elvis?" Martha asked.

Raven frowned, "What am I, some kind of Google or something?" she asked.

"No," Martha said sarcastically, "He's currently out of commission. He didn't know if the result would include the remix."

"Ah," Raven hummed as she hit the left side of Lazarus' face, causing six teeth to fall out. She blinked in surprise, "Huh, left is best," she muttered.

"What?" Martha asked.

"Hitting the left side of the jaw dropped six where the right only dropped four."

"Huh, good to know," Martha said, sounding distracted.

"Anyways, it's Elvis," Raven replied.

"Sweet. Thanks Raven," Martha said.

"No worries. And tell the Doc he owes me twenty quid," Raven said before hanging up.

She placed the phone on the table along with the mallet.

"Now, we can start on the ears," she muttered as another black hole appeared.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"Stop right there!" the Doctor shouted, "What's your name?"

"Anita," the woman answered.

"Anita, stay out of the shadows. Not a foot, not a finger in the shadows till you're safety back on your ship. Goes for all of you. Stay in the light. Find a nice, bright spot and just stand," the Doctor told them.

"But that's not very fun, Doc," Raven said as she appeared from the dark.

The Doctor groaned in frustration, "Of course you're here."

Raven grinned, "Where else would I be," she said.

The Doctor frowned at her, "Don't you have someone you need to kill?" he asked.

Raven blinked at him before looking to Donna and River. "What's up with gramps?" she asked.

"Oi!" the Doctor shouted, pointing at her, "You're older than me."

"They didn't know that," Raven said, gesturing to the humans.

"Wait, you're older?" River asked.

Raven hummed, "Bet your book doesn't tell you that, does it," she said.

The Doctor frowned, "What book?"

River started rummaging through her pack and pulled out two books, one blue and one red.

"Oh, can I read the red one?" Raven asked, "I wanna find the one about Hitler."

River grinned as she tossed the book to Raven, "That was a fun day."

"It surprised me how much of a screamer he was. But then again, scalping him after removing his eyes would have had to hurt," Raven said with a thoughtful frown.

"You didn't?" the Doctor asked, eyeing the two women, "Was I there?" he asked.

Raven glanced at River with a grin, "You held him down," she said before flipping through the pages, stopping to snort at some of the titles.

The Doctor pouted, "Was that it?" he asked, "Just holding him down?"

River looked up from the red book as she pointed at something that made Raven snort, "Okay then. You helped with the eyes as well," she said.

"Ooo, don't forget the fingernails," Raven spoke up as she flipped to another page and pulled a face, "He was a crying mess," she commented.

River looked down at the page and snorted, "Adam was always a crying mess."

"True," Raven agreed as she flipped the page, "Oh, haven't done that one yet," she said, looking down to the title of the page.

River looked and snorted, "One of the best," she said before looking at the Doctor, "And he loved taking her tongue. He always said that she asked too many questions."

Raven shook her head, "Told you, Doc. Clingy."

The Doctor scowled, "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he said.

"Cradle snatcher," Raven coughed, causing River to laugh.

"Give me that!" the Doctor said as he snatched the book away and tucking it into his coat.

"Spoil sport," Raven muttered as she pouted.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"I could save everyone," the Doctor said.

"Yes," Finch said, his eyes lighting up at the prospect of having the Time Lord by his side.

"But what fun would that be?" Raven spoke up as she walked into the classroom.

Finch spun on his heel to face her, "And who are you?" he asked.

"Oh, don't mind me," Raven said as she approached Sarah, "Hello, Sarah. Heard so much about you."

Rose scowled at the sight of the platinum blonde.

Sarah looked at the woman curiously, "You know me?" she asked, rather surprised.

Raven grinned, "Oh. The Doc's told me about all your travels. Loved how you snuck on board."

Sarah grinned, "It was very exciting."

The Doctor frowned, "You did the same, if I remember correctly," he said to Raven.

"And never left," Raven said, not at all phased.

"Excuse me," Finch said, wondering what was going on.

Raven turned to him, "Oh, sorry, were you talking?" she asked.

Finch's eyes narrowed at the woman, "Who are you?!" he demanded.

The Doctor grinned as he moved to stand beside Raven, "This is Raven. She's an assassin."

"Really?" Sarah asked, looking to Raven curiously.

Raven shrugged, "Got hit by a car, woke up in Purgatory and then the Devil adopted me. Signed a contract and ended up here. It was a busy day."

Sarah blinked before looking to the Doctor, "How did you meet her?" she asked.

Raven snorted, "Ah, that was a day to remember," she said.

"You appeared in the TARDIS covered in blood," the Doctor said, "What was I supposed to think?"

"And the wings didn't give it away?" Raven asked.

"Excuse me!" Finch spoke up again.

The three of them turned to Finch.

"Is there a reason why you are interrupting me?" Finch asked.

Raven nodded, "Oh, yes. You see, I don't like taking out my marks without getting to know the others in the room first. It's very impolite to kill someone and then introduce yourself. Didn't you know that?" she asked with furrowed brows.

"And I thought you came to see me," the Doctor pouted, crossing his arms across his chest.

Raven ruffled his hair, "I'm always here to see you," she said with a grin as he batted her hand away.

"So, who's your mark?" Sarah asked, watching the pair in amusement.

Raven dropped her arm and pulled out a gun, aiming it at Finch, "Him," she said before firing the weapon.

Rose screamed as Finch dropped to the ground, his brains splattered on the wall behind where he had been standing.

Sarah tilted her head at the sight. "Clean," she said.

Raven grinned as she turned to the Doctor, "She's good. Can I keep her?"

Sarah snorted, not at all phased by the woman. She'd experienced a lot of things in her time and she rather liked the woman.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow as he looked to Sarah, "Wanna see a werewolf?" he asked.

Sarah grinned, "Count me in."

"Yes!" Raven exclaimed as she jumped up and down on the spot like a child.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"This is gonna blast them to Hell," Mickey said as he pulled an extremely large gun from under the platform below the sphere.

"Samuel, what are you doing?" Rajesh questioned in alarm.

"That's a really nice gun," Raven spoke up as she eyed the gun Mickey was holding.

Mickey glanced to the platinum blonde and grinned, "Thanks."

"Wanna see mine?" Raven asked.

Neither seemed to notice when four Daleks appeared from the sphere.

Mickey lowered his weapon, "Sure."

Raven grinned as she made a black hole appear and stuck her hand inside, pulling out a sniper rifle.

Mickey eyed the black hole curiously, "How'd you do that?" he asked.

Raven shrugged as she checked over her gun, "A gift from my dad," she answered as she checked the scope.

The Daleks looked between Mickey and Raven as they swapped weapons.

"Who's your dad?" Mickey asked curiously as he cocked the rifle.

Raven smiled as she shifted the gun in her hand, testing it's weight, "The Devil," she said flatly.

"Really?" Mickey asked, glancing at her with a raised eyebrow.

Raven shrugged, "He liked me," she said as she placed the gun on a desk and created another black hole, pulling out a rocket launcher.

Mickey's eyes lit up at the sight of the weapon, "That's wicked," he said.

Raven grinned, "Wanna try it?" she asked.

"Really?" Mickey asked.

Raven frowned, "Of course," she said as she traded weapons with him once again, “Just aim it at the black hole," she added after creating another.

Rose looked between Mickey and Raven with wide eyes as Mickey aimed the launcher at the black hole.

The Doctor walked through the door and groaned at the sight of Raven helping Mickey aim the weapon before firing it.

"Awesome," Mickey said as the rocket disappeared into the black hole before frowning, "Where did it go?"

Raven frowned, "Huh. I actually don't know," she said before she walked towards in and stuck her head inside.

The Daleks watched on, rather unsure what was going on.

Raven pulled her head out of the black hole, a sheepish expression on her face. 

She looked to the Doctor, "I think I now know why Samantha didn't like me the last time I went to visit him," she said as she scratched the back of her neck.

The Doctor snorted before walking back out the door, leaving the two to continue with what they were doing.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Look, all I’m saying that I don’t think wood-chippers are a good way to kill someone,” the Doctor said as he dunked the blood soaked cloth into a bucket of water before wiping more blood off of Raven’s wings.

“I didn’t know the outlet was supposed to face the other way. I’ve never used one before,” Raven complained as she wiped some more blood off her face.

The Doctor snorted, “Don’t try and pull that one,” he said, ”I heard your comments about wanting to see if you could make it rain blood.”

Ravens shoulders slumped in defeat, “I didn’t know it’d be this messy.”

There was a scream, causing both Raven and the Doctor to jump in surprise before noticing a ginger in a wedding dress standing in the middle of the console room.

The ginger looked between the two, seeing one covered in blood and other body parts....was that and ear? And the other helping by cleaning her large wings.

The Doctor and Raven glanced at each other before looking to the ginger. Raising their empty hands, they waved with a cheerful, “Hello.”

The ginger promptly fainted dead away.

The pair looked to the ginger for a moment before the Doctor turned to Raven with a raised eyebrow.

“Don’t look at me,” she told him, raising her hands, “I’ve lived for over a thousand years and have never had a mark come to me before.”

The Doctor frowned at Raven, not quite believing her.

Raven narrowed her eyes at him before snatching the cloth from his hands, “After everything I’ve done, you still doubt that I’d lie about that.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, knowing she wasn’t upset, just being Raven. “You just tried to convince me you didn’t know which way the outlet on a wood-chipper went,” he told her.

Raven sighed, “I know,” she said before glancing at the ginger, “I should probably get cleaned up before the red head wakes,” she muttered as she headed towards the rest of the TARDIS.

“Stay out of the library until you’re clean. I don’t want to find blood on my chair again!” the Doctor shouted after her.

There was another thud as the ginger promptly passed out again.

The Doctor glanced at her and sighed, “Why me?” he asked no one in particular.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The Doctor frowned as he approached the Vault, the sound of giggling reaching his ears.

He groaned before banging on the Vault door, “Raven, I told you to stay out of there!” he shouted.

The giggling stopped and he then heard a shushing noise before it went silent. 

Deciding against his better judgement, the Doctor opened the Vault and stepped inside, frowning when he had to step over a wooden board leaning against the door before sloshing through water.

“Where in Rassilon’s name did you get all these....” the Doctor frowned, looking to Missy, who was dusting off a raven that was doing a very poor job at trying pass off as being stuffed while holding a fishing rod, “What even are these?” he asked, “And why is there water everywhere?”

Missy raised an eyebrow as she looked at all red fish swimming around. “I believe they’re called Devils fish. A species that surprisingly only lives in Hell,” she explained to the Doctor.

“And why are they in here and why is the Vault flooded?” the Doctor asked.

Missy shrugged, “I felt like fishing,” she said.

The Doctor’s eyes narrowed on the raven, who was starting to shake. “Raven, why did you flood the Vault?” he asked.

Unable to hold back anymore, the bird shifted and Raven burst out laughing, “Your face was priceless,” she told him before doubling over into another round of laughter.

The Doctor furrowed his brows, but his lip twitched upwards slightly. He headed back to the Vault door and stepped outside.

He turned back and looked to Raven and Missy, “If you catch any, save me one,” he said before closing the Vault door.

Raven turned to Missy, “Should we tell him there was a reason we didn’t step into the water?” she asked as both women were sitting on the table, dry as a bone.

Missy glanced at her and grinned, “Nah,” she said before casting her rod again.

\----

The Doctor entered his office and passed a mirror, freezing when something caught his eye.

He doubled back and frowned at his reflection.

“I’m going to kill them when I see them next,” he muttered as he noticed his skin was turning red and two little horns were protruding through his hair.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Raven grinned when she noticed the TARDIS sitting in a field.

Her eyes lit up when an idea hit her.

She always wanted to show the Doctor her version on snow.

She got to work, getting a black hole to drop off a wood-chipper and a block of ice she’d been holding on to just for this moment.

Getting the machine set up so the outlet was facing up towards the sky, she frowned when she realised the block of ice was too big.

After creating another black hole and pulling out a chainsaw, she started it up and started getting the block cut down to small, more manageable sizes, covering herself with ice shavings as she went.

When she was ready, she started up the wood-chipper and dumped enough ice to get started and then some. 

The moment the snow started falling, she dashed over to the TARDIS and knocked on the door.

“Doctor, I wanna show you something!” she called before rushing back over to the wood-chipper to place more blocks into the machine.

She grinned when she heard the TARDIS door open and quickly dashed back around to see the look on the Doctor’s face.

She froze in shock, however when she noticed it was the ninth Doctor and not the eleventh that she had seen last.

She new she had fucked up when Rose stepped out of the TARDIS and screamed at the sight of the pinkish snow and her covered in bloddy water before fainting.

Raven smiled sheepishly at the Doctor, who surprisingly enough only looked shocked, but not as angry as she’d expected.

“And what is this supposed to be?” the Doctor asked as he held out his hand and getting small flakes of pink snow to gather on it.

Raven raised an eyebrow when he licked it. “And I thought only Sven did that,” she muttered.

The Doctor grimaced slightly, “Blood,” he said before blinking, “A lot of different types of blood.”

Raven shrugged, “Lot of different hits,” she muttered before smiling, “And, I uh, sorry. You weren’t the one I was expecting.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Raven, “Oh, wasn’t I?” he asked before scooping up a hand full of the snow.

Raven watched him curiously before shrieking when he threw the bloody snowball at her.

She dived to the side and managed to grab some snow as well and threw it back at him.

\----

When Rose woke up not even ten minutes later, she fainted once again at the sight of the Doctor covered in blood, laughing and throwing balls of pinkish snow at the platinum blonde.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Stand back, boys. Surfs up,” Margret said and she stepped onto the extrapolator. 

The TARDIS suddenly went dark, causing Rose to let out a whimper and Margret to hold onto the blonde tighter.

“Not much of a surfer myself,” a voice echoed through the room before a scream of pain sounded. 

Not a moment later, another scream sounded, but this was of fright.

“Won’t be a moment, boys,” the voice said before there was the sound of silence and the lights turned back on.

The Doctor and Jack shared knowing looks before helping Rose get the Slitheen arm that was currently missing the rest of the body off from around her neck.

“Oh, sorry about that,” Raven said as she reappeared in the TARDIS not a moment later, “Here, let me.”

The Doctor passed her the arm and she threw it into a black hole she created before looking to the two males.

“So, what’d I miss?” she asked with a grin.

Jack laughed as he went to wrap his arm around her shoulders, but stumbled when she shifted and landed on the Doctors shoulder with a squawk.

Jack pouted, “Why is it only me she runs away from?” he asked.

The Doctor grinned as he scratched Raven’s head, “Probably because you tried to trick her into that date last week,” he said.

Jack continued to pout, “She’s the only one who didn’t fall for it.”

Raven shifted back as she smirked to Jack, “Jack, anyone stupid enough to think watching a movie with you is innocent, they deserve what’s coming.”

Rose blushed profusely before quickly leaving the console room.

The Doctor and Raven both looked to Jack with raised eyebrows.

“You didn’t, did you?” they asked together before grinning.

Jack grinned as well which caused them all to burst out into laughter, all the while Rose tried to get lost in the TARDIS.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The Doctor, Rose and Sarah all rushed towards the direction the scream had come from, only to almost collide with....

“Raven!” the Doctor exclaimed.

Raven raised her hands in the air and declared, “It wasn’t me,” before realising who she had run into when the Doctor snorted.

“And I’m gonna believe that,” the Doctor told her with a grin as they walked toward the direction they were originally heading in.

“Hey, listen here, Mister. I might be an assassin, but I have limits. If I was gonna kill someone in a school, I’d do it quickly,” Raven shot back.

“Assassin?” Sarah asked as they entered a classroom to see Mickey surrounded by vacuum packed rats.

“Yep,” Raven said as she knelt down to pick up a rat.

“So, if you’re not here to kill anyone, why are you here?” the Doctor asked as he also picked up a rat.

Raven smirked as she pocketed the rat and picked up another.

The Doctor rolled his eyes as he held out his hand, “They’re not for you,” he told her.

Raven pouted, but didn’t hand over the rat. “But it’s free food,” she wined.

“You’re gonna eat them?” Rose exclaimed in disgust.

Raven looked affronted by her words, “Of course I’m not. They’re for Fenrir.”

“Who’s Fenrir?” Sarah asked.

Raven grinned at the Doctor and turned to Sarah, “He’s my werewolf.”

“You have a werewolf?” the brunette asked in surprise.

“Well, if I can feed him, I will,” Raven replied, looking back to the Doctor with her best puppy dog eyes.

The Doctor sighed, “Fine,” he said, causing Raven to squeal and hug him. 

“Why do you feed him rats?” Sarah asked, “I would have thought he would eat something bigger than that.”

The Doctor tried to cover his laugh with a cough, cause Raven to glare playfully at him.

She turned back to Sarah, “I told Fenrir that it’s rats or nothing after he went on a run during a full moon and ate a few people.”

Sarah’s eyebrows flew up into her hairline. “Oh,” she breathed.

“Yep,” Raven said as she pocketed more of the rats, “He got grounded for a month because of that.”

The Doctor snorted, “Some grounding. He slobbered all over my library chair and the peed in the corner.”

Raven shrugged, uncaring, “He’s a wolf, what do you expect.”

“To be house-trained,” the Doctor deadpanned.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Raven slammed the door closed, praying the TARDIS would make it move from where she found it.

She turned away from the door, only to scream when she saw the Doctor hiding as well.

“By all things dead,” Raven breathed as she tried to calm her racing heart, “You scared the shit out of me, Doc.”

“Sorry,” the Doctor said, seeming to glance at the door with wide, fearful eyes as if he was expecting someone else to enter.

Raven frowned when she noticed his look. “Everything okay, Doc?” she asked.

The Doctor glanced at her, but continued to watch the door. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” he told her, “You, er, you don’t happen to know if Amy was looking for me, do you?” he asked.

Raven raised an eyebrow, “No. Why?”

The Doctor seemed to sag in relief at that. “That’s good. I must have lost her,” he muttered.

Raven snorted, “Not you too,” she said.

The Doctor looked at her in confusion.

“I just escaped Rory,” Raven told him, causing the Time Lord to chuckle, “Hey, it’s not funny, Mister,” Raven said with a pout.

“Sorry,” the Doctor said again, running a hand through his hair.

“I wanna make a deal with you, Doc,” Raven said seriously.

The Doctor frowned as he looked at her. “What type of deal?” he questioned, rather unsure. She wasn’t the Devil’s Assassin for nothing.

Raven grinned devilishly, “I send Amy and Rory someplace together to stop them from chasing us, and I get to pick the next companion.”

The Doctor thought about it for a moment before he held out his hand, “Deal.”

Raven grinned as she shook it, “Deal.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

"But I like his tawdry quirks," Raven said with a pout as she stepped from behind the console.

The Dream Lord blinked, "How are you here?" he asked.

Raven shrugged, "Dunno. Was looking for the Doctor so I made a black hole, stepped through it and ended up here."

"Wait," the Doctor said, moving over to Raven and looking at her with narrowed eyes, "You can travel by black hole....and you never told me?" he said, his voice taking on a child-like whine.

Raven blinked, "I thought I showed you that day Mickey shot a rocket and it hit Samantha," she replied.

The Doctor pointed at her, frowned, pouted and then sighed as his shoulders dropped. "You could have reminded me," he pouted.

"Are yes, the assassin," the Dream Lord said.

"Shush," Raven told the man before creating a black hole under his feet, "We're talking."

The Dream Lord fell through the hole with a scream.

"That's no fair," the Doctor continued to pout as he eyed the black hole the Dream Lord fell through.

Raven rested her hand on his shoulder, "Trust me, Doc. You don't wanna go where he went. "

The Doctor perked, "Where?"

Raven grinned, " _The_ family."

The Doctor blinked before laughing, "You didn't?" he asked.

Raven just grinned as they both looked towards the black hole.

\----

When the Dream Lord appeared in Raven's room, his eyes widened in surprise at the sight before him.

"You put the right foot in," Raven sung as she dropped a severed food into a pot of acid.

"You cut the next limb off," she continued to sing as there was the flash of a really large knife and then a thud as it cut through another body part.

"You put the next limb in and you stir the pot about," she dropped what looked to be a severed hand into the pot before stirring it.

The Dream Lord paled when she seemed to notice him and narrowed her eyes.

"Do you know what," she said, pointing the knife she had just used to cut off the hand with at the Dream Lord, "The next person who comes and interrupts me today is so going to join the Tyler's in the pot."

The Dream Lord raised his hands in surrender before looking around for a black hole that will take him back.

"I should never of told the Doctor about black hole travel," Raven muttered as she turned back to the table and started her work again.

"You put the left foot in...."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

There was a loud crash and a muttered, “Shit!” that brought the Doctor’s attention to an intruder in the console room that he and his companion were heading towards.

“Stay here,” he muttered to Rose before stepping inside the room.

“Doc!” Raven exclaimed in joy, her voice slurring.

“Have you been drinking?” the Doctor asked her, even though he could smell the alcohol from where he stood.

“Nefer!” Raven declared before tripping over nothing and falling flat on her face.

The Doctor sighed before calling out to Rose, “It’s only Raven.”

Rose came in the room as Raven tried to get herself up off the floor.

Sighing once again, the Doctor quickly helped her stand up.

“Thands Duck,” Raven slurred.

“Is she drunk?” Rose asked the Doctor in disgust.

Raven suddenly straightened and yelled, “Party trivk!” before somehow managing to create a black hole.

She stuck her hand in it and pulled out a crossbow and an apple.

The Doctor’s eyes widened in shock before quickly grabbing the weapon off of the intoxicated assassin. 

“You’re banned from this, remember?” he told her firmly.

Raven pouted, “You’th no funnith.” she said as she tried to walk away, only to _accidentally_ knock Rose into the black hole.

Raven froze and looked to the Doctor who was looking at her with a frown, the crossbow tucked under his arm.

“I, er, I should probably check where she ended up, shouldn’t I?” the white haired assassin asked, sounding suspiciously sober.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her before nodding. 

Raven stuck her head inside the black hole.

A moment later, she pulled her head out laughing. “Doc, you gotta see this,” she told the Time Lord.

The Doctor shrugged and walked over to the black hole and stuck his head in.

He bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself laughing at the sight of his whimpering companion being cuddled by Fenrir, Raven’s pet werewolf.

He pulled his head out and glanced at Raven before bursting out into a fit of laughter.

“Do I?” Raven asked, trying to sound serious as she gestured to the black hole.

The Doctor shook his head as he managed to stop laughing. “She’ll be fine. Nowhere safer, I think.” he said.

Raven looked to the black hole and shrugged before glancing at the Doctor. “Wanna play dodgem asteroids?”

The Doctors face lit up before he rushed around the console, forgetting the crossbow on the jump seat.

Raven smirked as she picked it up and tucked it into her coat.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Doctor!” Amy shouted as she scrambled to grab a hold on the roof of the TARDIS after accidentally falling out.

Once she had a good hold of the TARDIS roof, she cried out again, “Doctor!”

“Oh. He won’t hear you,” Raven said from beside her, floating upside down just as Amy was.

“What!” Amy exclaimed.

Raven somehow managed to shrug, even though she was upside-down and holding onto the roof of the TARDIS. “I’ve been out here for two weeks now. Once you’ve fallen out, he tends to forget about you.”

“What!” Amy screeched again.

“Well, it’s what happened to Rose,” Raven explained, nodding towards the opposite side of the roof.

Amy looked to where she was gesturing to and screamed at the sight of the skeleton holding on to the roof of the TARDIS directly opposite her.

It was almost completely white except for some tendons that were holding the skeleton in place.

“Heard she’s been out here for five years,” Raven said rather conversationally. 

Amy screamed again before she started crying.

“Raven, are you scaring my companion?” the Doctor’s voice called from just inside the TARDIS.

Raven looked towards the door, “Me? You’re the one who said you wanted to decorate the TARDIS for Halloween!”

“That was six months ago,” the Doctor replied as he pulled the crying Amy inside the TARDIS.

Raven huffed, “I thought you meant for this year,” she explained as she let go of the roof and shifted before flying inside the TARDIS.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“In!” the Doctor shouted as he forced the humans inside the church before slamming the door closed, making sure the Reapers wouldn’t get in.

“They can’t get in. Old windows and doo-“ he was cut off when there was a knock at the door he’d just closed. 

“Doc, if you don’t let me inside right now, I’ll torture you into your next regeneration!” Raven’s voice sounded.

The Doctor quickly opened the door, only to stop short when he noticed she was holding a Reapers head.

Raven grinned as she walked inside, ignoring the screams from the humans as the Doctor closed the door again.

“Look what I got,” she told the Doctor, holding up the head to show him.

“Yes, yes, very nice,” the Doctor muttered before he frowned, “What are you doing here anyway?”

Raven pouted at the Doctor, rather upset that he wasn’t as excited about her prize as she was.

“I was finishing up a small project,” she told him, looking around the room for something.

The Doctor frowned, “What project?” 

Raven glanced at him with narrowed eyes, “So you’re interested in my project, but not the Reapers head I cut off,” she complained.

“I said it was nice!” the Doctor told her.

Raven looked at him for a moment longer before nodding, “I was working out the best way to stuff a Slitheen. Got the arm done, but I accidentally used vinegar instead of alcohol to preserve the rest....it got messy really quickly.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, “And the smell didn’t give it away?” he asked.

Raven scowled when she couldn’t find what she was looking for and created a black hole as she answered, “I didn’t realise I was allergic to the stuffing I was using, ok,” she huffed as she pulled out a javelin.

The Doctor snorted, “Only you’d be allergic to stuffing,” he muttered.

Raven glared at him as she stuck the head of the Reaper on the javelin.

She checked out her handy work before grinning, holding the stick in the air, “I am Raven the Impaler!” she shouted.

The Doctor groaned as she started waving the stick around.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Doctor, she is returning,” Lucius told the Time Lord.

“Oh, I like him,” Raven commented as she walked into the room, “Can we keep him. I think Fenrir needs a new chew toy. The last one busted and left blood everywhere.”

The Doctor eyed Lucius, as if actually contemplating it before he shook his head, “Nah. No fun if you know what’s gonna happen.”

Raven shrugged as she approached Donna.

She looked the ginger up and down before glancing at the Doc, “Who’s she?”

Donna scowled at Raven, “Donna. Donna Nobel,” she said.

Raven raised an eyebrow at the ginger before grinning, “I like you. He can keep you.”

The Doctor groaned as Donna replied, “I’m not some bloody pet.”

Raven stepped up to Donna and ruffled her hair, “Sure you are,” she said before turning to the other humans, “Who’s the Seers?” she asked.

“I’m Lucius,” Lucius said, “And you walk the path of Hell, assassin.”

Raven grinned as she looked to the Doctor, “He’s really good,” she told him.

She turned to the young woman, “And who are you?” she asked.

“Evelina,” the young woman said before frowning, “You were adopted by the Devil himself.”

Raven turned to the Doctor, her best puppy dog expression on her face.

Before she could even say anything, the Doctor cut her off, “No!” he said firmly.

Raven pouted before turning towards Donna, “Wanna go somewhere more fun?” she asked as she linked her arm through Donna’s and started leading her away.

“Be back by dinner!” the Doctor called after them.

Raven held up a hand and waved it a bit as they continued walking.

“You really an assassin?” Donna asked curiously.

Raven grinned, “The Devil’s Assassin,” she told the ginger.

Donna’s eyes went wide before she asked, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen?”

Raven smirked as they continued to walk, beginning to tell the ginger about saving the Queen from her pet werewolf.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The Doctor frowned as he approached the console, hearing a knock on the TARDIS door.

He glanced to Donna and the woman shrugged her shoulders, just as lost as he was.

The Doctor walked back to the door and opened it, only to see Raven standing there in the snow staring at an Ood.

“Raven?” he questioned, wondering what she was doing there.

“Doc, I have a problem,” Raven said as she backed up towards him.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow as the Ood took a few steps forwards as well.

“He won’t stop following me,” Raven whispered loudly, barely looking back to the Doctor.

The Doctor snorted, “Only you could get an Ood to follow you home,” he muttered before stepping to the side and letting Aries inside the TARDIS.

The moment the door closed behind her, Raven sagged against it.

“What’s up, Raven?” Donna asked.

Raven sighed, “I have a shadow,” she muttered in distress, “You know how odd it is for a Shadow Lady to have a shadow that she doesn’t want?”

“Have you asked him what he wants?” the Doctor questioned.

Raven frowned before turning to the door and cracking it open and stuck her head out. “What do you want?” she asked loudly.

The Doctor snorted at the platinum blonde as she pulled her head back inside and looked to them in confusion. “What’d he say?” he asked.

“He said he wants to serve me,” she said, rather perplexed.

She turned around and stuck her head out the door and shouted something else, but the Doctor and Donna didn’t hear what it was.

Raven pulled her head back inside and blinked in surprise. “I need to go,” she told them.

The Doctor grew curious at her sudden change in attitude. “What did you ask him?” 

Raven grinned, “I asked how he handles blood and werewolves.”

Donna blinked. “What did he say?” she asked, equally curious.

Raven’s grin turned into a smirk. “He said bleach works best with blood and that if you walk werewolf’s the night before a full moon, they’re less destructive.”

The Doctor blinked in surprise. “Huh,” he muttered.

“Yep,” Raven said before slipping outside into the snow.

Donna glanced at the Doctor. “She just hired an Ood, didn’t she?” 

The Doctor grinned as he put the TARDIS into the vortex. “I believe he hired himself.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Why am I not dead?” the Doctor asked as he looked back to the Weeping Angels.

“Do you wanna be?” Raven asked as she stepped out from behind a tree.

The Doctor looked towards her with a frown. “Ha, ha, ha. Very funny,” he said sarcastically.

Raven shrugged, “It was a good question,” she told him before frowning, “Why aren’t you dead?” she asked, noticing that one of the Angels were holding him.

The Doctor rolled his eyes, “I’m trying to work that out,” he huffed.

Raven raised an eyebrow and looked passed him, “It wouldn’t have anything to do with the time energy leaking out of the crack, would it?” she questioned.

“What?!” the Doctor exclaimed before trying to look behind him, just managing to see what Raven had, “Oh, that’s not good.”

“I think it is,” Raven said, causing the Doctor to look at her in confusion.

She raised an eyebrow as she explained, “If it wasn’t for that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation and you’d be dead.”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes at the blonde. “Can you help me get out of here? Amy and River are in the woods and an Angel is inside Amy's head. If I can’t stop it, she’s gonna die,” he told her.

Raven glanced behind her, “Where are they?” she questioned.

The Doctor pointed in the direction he saw them go in.

“Sweet,” Raven said, “Have fun with the Angels, Doc. I have a psychopath to catch up with,” Raven said as she skipped away.

“Raven!” the Doctor shouted in disbelief, “You can’t just leave me here!”

Raven disappeared into the trees.

“I’m so gonna kill her when I see her next,” the Doctor muttered as he tried to think of a way to get free.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“I said no!” the Doctor told Raven as they ran up the stairs with Donna.

“But, they’re so cute,” Raven whined.

“And what about Fenrir?” the Doctor huffed, “You can barely keep him under control.”

Raven pouted as they got onto the roof. “Robin and Bob are taking great care of Fenrir.”

“Robin?” the Doctor questioned in confusion, looking to Raven and not the hundreds of baby Adipose floating up towards the spaceship hovering above London.

“Bob got lonely,” Raven explained, crossing her arms defensively.

“How did an Ood get lonely?” the Doctor asked before shaking his head, “Don’t answer that.”

Raven looked out to the little fat babies. “I think it would be a good thing,” she said, “It would make Robin and Bob so happy to have a baby running around.”

“And then they grow up,” the Doctor told her, “And God’s forbid it grows up with you around. One assassin is enough to deal with. Two and I think it would put the universe in danger.”

Raven pouted, “But they’re so cute,” she complained.

“And I said no,” the Doctor said, “I can just see that I’d be left to clean up after it.”

Raven glared at the Doctor, “I said I was sorry, okay. I didn’t know that when you feed a werewolf pig hybrids that it’s like catnip. I replaced the walls that he destroyed and even cleaned it up myself.”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes at her, “You seemed to have forgotten that he also got into the library and left a nice surprise on my chair.”

Raven blinked and looked away, “Oh, look. It’s Foster,” she said, pointing to the woman as she floated up.

“Raven,” the Doctor said, “Look at me.”

“Should we help her?” Raven said, ignoring the Doctor.

“Raven!” the Doctor exclaimed.

“Fine, then,” she huffed as she looked to the Doctor, missing when the levitation beam cut off from around Foster and she fell to the street below, “I won’t get a baby Adipose.”

The Doctor sighed, ”Thank you,” he said.

Raven’s face lit up, “Can we adopt a cat?”

The Doctor groaned as he grabbed her arm, leading her back down the stairs.

“What about a friend for Fenrir?” Raven asked.

“No!”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“What’s she doing?” Jack whispered to the Doctor as both men watched Raven as she stared at the Master.

The Doctor leaned a little closer to Jack as he whispered, “She’s trying to make a decision.”

Raven raised a hand before stopping and lowered it again.

Jack furrowed his brows, “What decision?” he asked.

“She can hear you, you know,” the Master called over to the two men.

“Sorry!” both men said together.

Raven frowned in concentration as she stared at the Master unblinkingly.

She raised her other hand, before once again pausing and lowering it.

The Master's left eye twitched as he continued to stare right back at Raven.

Jack leaned in closer to the Doctor as he continued to watch the pair, “Do you think it’ll be the right one?” he whispered.

The Doctor furrowed his brows as he looked at the pair. “I hope so,” he muttered.

Raven raised an eyebrow before she grinned.

“Come to a decision, have you?” the Master asked.

“Yep,” Raven said as she raised her right hand, “Eight of Spades,” she declared as she flipped the card over in front of her.

The Master groaned and the Doctor and Jacked cheered when the card she flipped was the Eight of Spades.

Jack smirked at the Master, “Strip,” he ordered.

The Master stood up from the seat and took his pants off, leaving him in nothing but his boxes.

Raven jumped out of her seat in delight, still fully clothed.

“Told you not to bet against her, Master. She always wins,” the Doctor said as he and Jack took their places.

“She cheated!” the Master complained.

“Never,” Raven said as she took a seat beside the man, watching the Doctor and Jack play.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The Doctor frowned as he entered the console room.

There was an odd chirping sound coming from near the console, but when he looked, he couldn’t see anything.

“Doctor?!” Raven whispered loudly as she entered the room, “Have you seen, Snapper?” she questioned.

The Doctor looked up from where he was searching, the sound having stopped when Raven had entered the room.

“Who’s Snapper?” he asked, only to frown again when the chirping sound started up again, but from the opposite side of the console.

“Oh, my God’s!” Raven exclaimed as she rushed to the other side and started tearing out the wiring underneath the console and some panelling as she tried to get inside the console, “How did you get in there?”

The Doctor quickly rushed to her side. “Hey, that’s my ship!” he shouted, trying to tug her away from the console.

Raven shifted her shoulder and her wing expanded and knocked the Doctor backwards as she continued to dig under the console.

The Doctor frowned as he got back up and was about to say something when Raven spoke.

“Ah, gotcha,” she said as she started backing up.

The Doctor’s mouth dropped open in shock as the little animal in her hand started chirping away.

“Were you hungry, Snapper?” Raven asked as she pulled out some fresh fish from her pocket and started feed the animal, which promptly devoured the offering.

“Er, Raven,” the Doctor spoke up, unsure if what he was seeing was real.

Raven looked up at him, “What’s up, Doc?” she questioned before feeding another fish to the baby animal she was holding.

The Doctor swallowed, “That’s a velociraptor,” he said, pointing at the baby dinosaur in her hand.

Raven frowned, “Snapper is a Compsognthus,” she told him.

The Doctor blinked, opened his mouth, closed it, then ran his hand through his hair before walking out of the console room as he shook his head, not even wanting to go there.

“Who’s a cutie little Snapper,” Raven cooed as she fed her dinosaur another fish.

Snapper chirped in her hand before it seemed to yawn, exposing all its teeth.

“Oh, is it Snapper’s bed time?” Raven said as she stood up and walked out of the console room, leaving the mess she made of the console, “Let’s go and see if Fenrir is getting sleepy as well. I think you two will be the best of friends.”

The TARDIS let out a resigned hum before flickering off the console room lights. 

_What?_ the ship questioned, _Do you think I keep the lights on all the time? Give me a break. That would be exhausting work. Do you know how many rooms there are?_


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Raven stood, tapping away to the beat of her music, her pen hitting her clipboard as she watched the Slitheen scream in agony.

She was all for listening to someone scream, but the Slitheen had a set of lungs and had been going at it for 15 minutes straight now and it was rather boring her.

If it wasn’t for the fact that Raven wanted to know how many drops of vinegar it took to kill a Slitheen, she would have already finished the alien off.

Suddenly her phone cut off and Raven frowned as it started ringing. 

She scowled at the Slitheen and the screams got louder and picked up her phone and answered it, not reading who was calling.

“This better be good. I’m busy,” Raven said, putting a finger in the other ear so she could hear whoever was talking.

“Oh, my gods!” the person on the other end exclaimed.

Ravens eyes widened in shock. “Prime Minister!” she said as she dropped her clipboard and started making a black hole, “I’m so sorry,” she said as she stuck her head inside the black hole so Harriet wouldn’t hear the screams.

“What was that?” Harriet asked, once the noise cut off.

“Sorry, Ma’am. I was watching Scream. Had the volume up too loud,” Raven replied, coming up with the first thing that came to her.

“Oh, well,” Harriet said, “Rather an odd movie to watch on Christmas.”

Raven blinked, “It’s Christmas?”

“Of course it is,” Harriet told her, “Where have you been?”

Raven looked up and blinked when she noticed Samantha watching her.

"Busy with friends,” she said, “What can I do for you, Prime Minister?”

“Oh, yes,” Harriet said, “I was wondering if you knew where the Doctor was?”

Raven raised an eyebrow, “Haven’t seen him since Halloween,” she told her.

“Oh, okay then. I’ll let you get back to your movie,” Harriet said before hanging up.

Raven frowned as she glanced up to Samantha, “Not a word,” she told the beast before slipping back out of the black hole.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Hang on. What's this bit?” Rory asked as he showed the Doctor and Amy the newspaper. There was a line through the middle of their crop design in the photograph.

“That wasn't us,” Amy stated as the sound of another car heading towards them through the corn.

The trio scream and dived for safety as a Chevrolet Corvette skids to a halt by the Tardis. 

“That was awesome!” Raven said as she got out from the car with another young woman.

“You said he was funny. You never said he was hot,” the young woman said as she eyed the Doctor.

“No, I’m pretty sure I said he was hot in his own way,” Raven said with a wink to the Doctor, causing the Time Lord to fluster before he coughed.

“Mels! Raven!” Rory shouted in disbelief.

“What are you two doing here?” Amy asked them.

“Following you. What do you think?” Mels told them.

“Er, where did you get the car?” Rory questioned as he looked to the two newcomers, “You don’t travel by car,” he added, looking to Raven.

The sound of police sirens sounded in the distance.

“It's mine. Ish,” Mels told him with a shrug, causing Raven to snicker.

“Oh, Mels, not again,” Amy scolded.

“You can't keep doing this. You're going to end up in prison,” Rory told Mels before pointing at Raven, “And you really shouldn’t be helping her.”

“Sorry. Hello. Doctor not following this. Doctor very lost,” the Doctor cut in before frowning at Raven, “You never said I was hot?”

“Of course I did,” Raven said before looking him up and down, “But I must admit it’s a hard sell when you wear that.”

“Oi! What wrong with my clothes?” the Doctor pouted as he fixed his bowtie.

Raven raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth, only for the Doctor to stop her by covering it with his hand.

"Is that the phone box? The bigger on the inside phone box?” Mels asked as she looked at the TARDIS, “Oh, time travel. That's just brilliant. Yeah, I've heard a lot about you. I'm their best mate.”

“Then why don't I know you? I danced with everyone at the wedding. The women were all brilliant. The men were a bit shy,” the Doctor said before yanking his hand away from Raven’s mouth, “Did you just lick me?!” he asked as he wiped his hand.

“I don't do weddings,” Mels said as she glanced at Raven, “And besides, I was rather busy that day.”

Raven frowned for a moment before her eyes lit up. “Oh, that’s right. We had Silence to kill that day.”

The sirens get closer and Raven pouted as she looked up at the sky when the sound of a helicopter was also heard.

“And that's us out of time,” Mels said before pulling out a gun and aiming it at the Doctor.

“Mels!” Amy exclaimed.

“For God's sake!” Rory yelled.

“What’s with the hot ones always pulling guns,” the Doctor said as he raised his hands.

“Really?” Raven asked as she tilted her head at the Doctor, “You think I’m hot?”

“What are you doing?” Amy questioned Mels.

“We need out of here, now,” Mels told them.

“Anywhere in particular?” the Doctor asked before looking at Raven, “Well, it’s a hard sell when you’re wearing that,” he told her.

“They’re my wings!” Raven complained as she ran a hand down her coat.

“Well, let's see. You've got a time machine, I've got a gun. What the hell. Let's kill Hitler,” Mels said with a grin.

“Oh, I like her,” the Doctor proclaimed before rushing inside his ship, the other four following.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Loki sat inside the cell, waiting patiently for what he knew what was going to happen. 

He was startled however, when what looked to be a black hole appeared inside it. 

He stood up and moved closer to investigate it as alarms started blaring around him, wondering what magic was being used to create it. 

He jumped back in alarm and surprise when a fat lady wearing a disgusting outfit of bright pink came through it, screaming at the top of her lungs about demons and a monster.

Suddenly the cell went dark and the outline of large feathers could be seen as another person stepped through.

“Now, that wasn’t very smart, Deloris,” a female voice spoke up as the room slowly brightened.

Loki looked on curiously when he noticed a woman in a long black coat with white hair standing where the portal was.

“Though I do have to admit that in all my years, I have never had someone jump through my black hole before in an attempt to escape,” the woman continued as she looked around the cell.

When she noticed Loki watching her with interest and a raised eyebrow, she grinned. “Sorry about this. They’re normally chained down,” she told him, only for the god to grow even more intrigued, “Won’t be a moment and then I’ll let you get back to,” she looked around again, “well, whatever you were doing.”

Loki watched as she suddenly created another black hole before grabbing the pink toad looking human by the hair and dragged her back through the portal.

The god stood there for a moment, rather unsure what had just happened, before sitting back down.

Not moments later, Fury and some soldiers burst into the room.

“Can I help you?” Loki asked them as his eyebrow raised.

The humans looked around rather confused as nothing seemed to be amiss before slowly leaving.

Loki watched them go before looking to where the woman had disappeared, silently wondering just who she was and how she harnessed such powers.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

The moment the black hole opened up underneath Rumpelstiltskin, he knew he was going to be in for a terrible day.

He looked around and blinked in surprise when he found himself in a bedroom.

“Now, where am I?” he questioned out loud, trying to think where Raven would have taken him this time.

“This is my bedroom,” Raven’s voice came from behind the Dark One and he spun to face her, only to freeze as she was holding out an outfit. Raven grinned devilishly, “Strip,” she ordered.

Rumpelstiltskin raised an eyebrow, “Oh really, my dear. I don’t think that was a part of our agreement,” he said as he looked at the dress the assassin was holding out, his nose wrinkling when he realised he recognised it.

“Oh,” Raven gasped dramatically before she turned serious, “The deal was, Rumple, that I help you return magic to Storybrooke, and you,” she grinned again as she took a step towards him, “You would do anything I wanted for an hour. So strip!”

Looking down at the dress in disgust, Rumpelstiltskin, the Dark One, compiled.

\----

“So, where are we going next?” Martha asked the Doctor as they headed towards the console room, “And have you seen Raven. I’m getting worried about how quiet she’s been lately. Can’t help but think she’s planning a prank on us or something. The last time she was this quiet, I ended up needing to shower for a week.”

“You’re right,” the Time Lord replied before furrowing his brows when the sound of ‘Tale As Old As Time' reached his ears. “What is she doing now,” he groaned before rushing to the console room, only to stop in shock at the sight before him.

Raven was dancing with Snapper, the dinosaur wearing a small jacket and a bow, while another man was dressed in what the Time Lord recognised as a dress from ‘Cinderella’ while throwing confetti over the pair.

When Raven noticed the Doctor and Martha standing at the entrance to the console room, she grinned. “Doc, Martha, let me introduce my fairy god mother, Rumpelstiltskin. Isn’t she just marvellous?” she asked before turning away from them as she continued dancing.

Rumpelstiltskin glowered at her back before he grimaced at the duo at the door. “Hello, I’m your fairy god mother for this evening. Let me get your coat,” he greeted before the Time Lord and Martha found themselves in different attire. 

Martha burst into laughter as she checked out her flowing ball gown and grabbed onto the Doctor’s hand before dragging the confused and gobsmacked Time Lord into the room.

“No one’s gonna believe this,” she exclaimed. 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Are you my mummy?” the Doctor asked Mace, and the moment those words escaped his mouth, the Time Lord found himself falling through a black hole.

He landed with a thump, and groaned as he got up.

"What in Rassilon’s name is going on?” he murmured when he found himself in what appeared to be a desert. “Raven!” he called out as he pulled the gas mask of his face and looked around, trying to find the assassin, “Raven, I know it was you!”

“Over here?” he heard her voice and turned around, only to find another black hole, “Well, come on,” Raven’s voice called, “Can’t keep it open all day.”

The Doctor looked around and sighed, realising he really didn’t have a choice and stepped into the black hole.

When he stepped out on the other side, he found himself in what looked to be an underground chamber.

“Raven, what on earth is going on,” he hissed when he saw the assassin and stormed over to her. He didn’t have time for this. He had to save the earth....again.

“Shh,” the assassin said as she looked to a doorway and gesturing him over to the corner where she was standing, “I’m waiting for someone,” she told the Time Lord. 

“For who?” the Doctor questioned, starting to get frustrated as he walked over to her.

Raven glanced at the Doctor and a grin broke out on her face when she saw the gas mask. “Oh, you brought it, awesome. Put it on, quickly,” she told him, but the Doctor only frowned, “Oh, come on. What you’re about to see is a once in a lifetime....okay, maybe not, but I brought a camera and I really wanted to get a picture for my scrapbook.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at the assassin, “You have a scrapbook?” he asked her.

“Of course I do. Who doesn’t?” she replied before motioning to the gas mask again, “Come on, he’s almost here.”

“Who?” the Doctor asked, but Raven just snatched the gas mask off him and placed it over his head, just as the door suddenly blew open.

A bald, Egyptian dressed man walked in and the Doctor's eyes widened in shock when he recognised him. “How?” he whispered, looking to Raven.

Sure, he may have mentioned that he’d always wanted to ask a mummy that question ever since he visited WWII, but he never thought that Raven would actually give him an opportunity.

“Don’t ask me that, just get out there,” Raven told him before pushing him out into the room and gaining the man’s attention, “Consider it an early Christmas present,” she added as she fished inside her pockets for her camera.

The Doctor’s face lit up when Imhotep stopped in front of him. “Who are you?” the mummy asked as he looked the Doctor up and down.

“Hurry up, Doc!” Raven hissed as she lined up a shot, ”We need to go before O’Connell gets here.”

“You know, I’ve wanted to do this for so long now,” the Doctor said as Imhotep looked between the Time Lord and Raven in confusion, “But, are you my mummy?” the Time Lord questioned, just as the flash of Raven’s camera went off.

The mummy roared at the sudden flash and Raven was quick to grab the Doctor's jacket before pushing him through a black hole and back to the desert above.

“I can’t believe I did that,” the Doctor said as he removed the mask, a big grin on his face.

“Thought you might like it,” Raven said smugly as she looked at the photo, “And it turned out perfectly,” she added, showing the photo to the Doctor.

“I so want a copy of that,” the Time Lord told her.

“As soon as I get it developed,” she told him before creating another black hole, “But right now you have a world to save, again.”

“I swear I’ll never get done saving them,” the Time Lord muttered as he slipped the gas mask back on before stepping through the black hole, but couldn’t help but grin when he heard Raven’s laughter before appearing right where he had left before Colonel Mace.

Raven sighed as she looked at the picture before a smirk grew on her face as she pressed the rewind button.

“Are you my mummy,” the Doctor’s voice spoke through the device, and the assassin couldn’t help but laugh as she looked at the baffled Imhotep's face at the ridiculous question.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

“Is it the vampires?” Rory asked the Doctor as he glanced to the roof.

“Like I said, they’re not vampires. Fish from space,” the Doctor corrected him before they heard a tapping at one of the windows.

“What’s that?” Amy asked, glancing at the window where the tapping was coming from.

Guido frowned as he approached the window.

“No, don’t!” Rory shouted.

“I don’t believe vampires knock,” Guido told the man before opening the window, only to find no one there.

“That’s not freaky at all,” Amy muttered.

“You’re telling me,” a voice said from behind the ginger, causing Amy to scream.

The others turned to see Raven standing there with a frown as she had her fingers in her ears, trying to stop them from ringing.

“Raven,” The Doctor breathed before frowning as he looked to the window, “Couldn’t you get inside?”

Raven grinned, “And what, miss the perfect opportunity to scare someone?” she questioned.

“Is she a vampire?” Guido asked.

Raven frowned at the man, “Do I look like....do you know what, forget I even thought about asking that,” she said before glancing to the window, “Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, but I invited some people over to play poker.”

Not a moment later, a swarm of fish from space entered through the open window.

The humans jaws dropped as they brought in tables and chairs, as well as a case that seemed to hold snacks.

“Don’t mind us,” on of the young women said as she started setting up the table.

The small group glanced at each other before looking to Raven.

“What?!” the assassin exclaimed, “You can join if you like, or just carry on with whatever you were doing.”

The group once again glanced at each other before shrugging and started to help them set everything up.

“Knew I could get them to play,” Raven said with a grin as Rosanne entered the room.

She glanced at the humans and sighed, handing Raven over a small pouch of coins before joining them. 


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF DARK HUMOUR GRAPHIC ONE SHOTS  
> HAS NO REAL DIRECTION  
> JUST A BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT ME AND A FEW FRIENDS CAME UP WITH  
> TORTURE AND MURDER INCLUDED  
> PLEASE!!!!  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!  
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, MOVE ON  
> IF YOU DO LIKE THEM, ENJOY!!!  
> ONCE AGAIN  
> READ AT OWN RISK!!!!

Amy walked into the kitchen on the TARDIS, only to freeze at the sight before her.

“Doctor!” she shouted as he face paled.

The Doctor quickly ran towards her, “Whats wrong?” he asked before looking towards the kitchen and frowning.

“Raven!” he shouted.

Raven walked into the room a moment later and raised an eyebrow at the sight she saw. 

“What’s the problem, Doc?” she asked.

The Doctor turned to her, “I thought that I told you Snapper wasn’t allowed to eat in the kitchen after Donna almost killed herself after slipping on some blood.”

Raven looked back to the kitchen, “Technically he’s not eating in the kitchen,” she remarked, “He’s eating at the table.”

The Doctor frowned as he looked back to the dinosaur who was tearing away at a deer carcass on top of the dining table, that seemed to have suspiciously grown to allow the carcass to fit on top of it.

“You do have a point,” the Doctor said, “And he is managing to keep the blood of the floor,” he added before leaving.

Raven grinned as she left as well.

Amy watched them leave, her mouth hanging open. She turned back to Snapper and then promptly ran out of the room when the dinosaur tore into the chest and pulled out the deer’s heart.


	38. Chapter 38

The twelfth Doctor frowned when there was a scratching sound coming from his desk.

He couldn’t help but glance to the corner of his office where Raven's perch was located for when the assassin wanted to drop in, but it was still empty. Exactly how she had left it a few days ago after spewing something about wanting to see some old friends and had disappeared out his office window before he could even process what she had just said.

The Time Lord had known better than to ask her _exactly_ who she was seeing after the last time, having ended up been dragged along on a two week adventure into the middle of the Amazon, only to come face to face with a tribe of cannibals. To which the platinum blonde had then started trading bags of ‘items' for some rare ingredients for something he had wisely not to ask about.

He looked back to his desk as the scratching grew louder, a thought flickering through his mind at the possibility that Raven had somehow extended it and that Snapper had managed to get stuck inside, but he was also quick to brush that thought aside.

Snapper had been left with someone by the name of Styx, uh, Phoenix. Someone who shared the fascination with birds as much as Raven did as far as the Doctor knew. Why they chose names after birds, he had no idea, but figured that both Fenrir and Snapper were better off with whoever was watching them rather than at the school that the Vault was hidden under.

There was no telling what those two miscreants would get up to with a bunch of hormonal, stupid and decisively annoying humans running around and the last thing the Doctor wanted was to have to relocate the Vault because Fenrir ate someone....or Snapper for that matter.

His frown deepening, the Time Lord approached the desk and pulled out his sonic, not wanting to fall for one of Raven's pranks. Once he had scanned it and found the draw hadn’t been tampered with in any way, the Doctor finally opened it....and blinked in surprise when he noticed a hermit crab with a disgustingly pink shell crawling over the folders inside.

The Doctor's eyebrows creased as he eyed the creature, wondering where it had come from, and as if his thoughts had been answered, the door to his TARDIS were thrown open and Raven rushed out.

“Doctor, Missy is gone!” the assassin exclaimed.

“What!” the Doctor asked, not believing what he had just heard.

“Missy, she’s gone,” Raven repeated, her expression one of worry and concern. “I let her out for a bit. I swear it was only for a second and she disappeared.”

“Why in Rassilon's name would you do that?!” the Time Lord demanded, his thoughts running a mile a minute at the implications of what the platinum blonde was telling him. “I told you not to even think of letting her out,” he almost growled out, “You swore you wouldn’t.”

“She was getting to hot and I though a bit of fresh air would help!” the assassin told him, her voice rising, “I didn’t think she would just disappear!”

The Doctor pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing silently under his breath in Gallifreyan before letting out a calming breath as he looked back to the assassin. “Where did you last see her?” he asked, trying to keep his cool, wondering _why_ he still put up with the assassin.

\----

 _Okay, this was not what I was expecting,_ the Doctor thought as Raven led him through the corridors of the TARDIS.

“I swear I thought she wouldn’t up and leave, Doctor. I even told her if she thought of running, I would find her, but none of my black holes were working. All they kept doing was bringing me to your office, but I know she couldn’t have gotten that far. Not after I asked the TARDIS to bio-lock her inside.”

“Why did you even think it was a good idea to let her in here in the first place?” the Doctor asked as they turned down another corridor that led even deeper into his ship.

Even though he was worried about what catastrophe could be unleashed with the missing Time Lady, the Doctor couldn’t help but realise that it had been a few centuries since he had been in this part of the TARDIS.

Raven frowned as she looked at the Time Lord. “Well, with Fenrir and Snapper gone, along with Bob and his wife, I was getting lonely. I didn’t think that anything like this could happen and I even made sure that they couldn’t get out, knowing how you feel about animals on the TARDIS. Especially after you had to order her to lock Fenrir out of the library after he continuously....well, you know what I’m talking about.”

The Doctor scowled at the memory of just what Fenrir continuously did to his chair in the library, only to pause when the rest of what Raven has said registered in his mind.

“What do you mean, them?” he asked, “Just how many people have you been letting on my ship?”

“What?” the assassin boggled, looking at the Doctor oddly, “No one. You told me that while we were here, I couldn’t bring anyone over. I thought you knew I take my promises seriously. My word has always been my bond.”

The Doctor just raised an eyebrow. “And yet you let Missy out of the Vault,” he deadpanned.

“Mi....Oh, no,” the assassin snickered, causing the Doctor's expression to darken, “You have it all wrong, Doctor,” she told him as she grabbed his arm and dragged him down another corridor and towards a door, “I didn’t mean _that_ Missy.”

The Doctor’s expression turned confused as they entered the room, though it was quick to pass through various expressions until his face settled on dumbfounded as he stared at the inside of the room.

A part of him realised that they seemed to be in Raven's room, though once again it had been more than just centuries since he had been in there. But instead of the simple bed, small den and nest, desk and chair that he remembered from the last time he was there, one of the walls had been turned into a large tank-like enclosure, filled with dozens of hermit crabs as they chambered around.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” the Doctor breathed as he just stared at the tank, his nose wrinkling at the smell of dried shellfish and saltwater.

Raven approached the tank, ignoring the Doctor's words. “You told me that I couldn’t keep anything that would eat or scare the children, so the TARDIS and I came up with this,” she said as she started counting off the crabs as she pointed to each one, “You wouldn’t believe how much fun they are to watch, especially when they get stuck up somewhere high. Rose and Amy always seem to get themselves into trouble, although Nine and Jack are generally close behind them. Missy was actually one of the better behaved ones and I didn’t see a problem with letting her out for a bit as she was starting to look a little under the weather. It was the TARDIS that told me she was overheating.”

“You....you named them after my previous companions?” the Doctor asked, staring at Raven In disbelief.

“And regenerations,” the assassin shrugged, not seeing what the problem was.

“But....”

Once again the Doctor pinched the bridge of his nose, unable to come up with anything to say.

Raven turned to him, “So, do you think you could help me find Missy?” she asked.

“By Rassilon, you will be the death of me,” the Time Lord muttered before he just turned and left the room, pausing at where her desk was before disappearing from sight.

“But, Doctor. Wait!”

The assassin went to follow him, only to pause when something caught her eye.

“Missy!” she cried in delight, seeing the pink-shelled hermit crab sitting on her desk.


End file.
